Hello again, my old sweet friend.
I have been writing, I promise, but not publishing it in here anymore. I could easily say its because of lack of time, but I wont. Because I make time for other things now. Yes I do. The time, the care and love I was giving to you, expressing myself, getting self-help I spend otherwise now. But as I said, I still write...just not in here.
Maybe because now I don't want you to know anymore how I feel, how am I, what I do... you wont have anything on the plate ready to eat and enjoy. I want you to show your care, take the time and ask, talk, approach me. Actually give a shit, for once.
But today I feel like visiting you my old friend.
Today I wanted to open up to you. The titles I have given to a lot of articles, the words I have written, the feelings and experiences I have been through were moments, small or big moments of a bigger picture. Or pictures, of my life.
Lets take the picture of LOVE.
A lot of my writings fall in that category. Lets break it down. Step by step. From the beginning till now. Who knows the end.
I view love as a three step phase.
Phase 1: First love.
Oh yeah. We all remember that one. That one love which actually hurts even if the years have passed. It hurts and it never hundred percent heals, that one person who we fell for with our soul, was bigger than we could handle. I was too small for me to manage, strong too. But sometimes I say to myself if it was that strong why did it break? And I give a thousand excuses to make my self feel better. I blame a lot time, timing; what an important factor for a big passionate love. I always say "it was wrong timing, we were young". But apparently not young enough to fall for each other. Often I got a lot of questions and I fill them with excuses. Honestly; I don't know what happened, but something broke us. "Shit happen". All I know, is that I did love you. So much that it made me very weak handle my life for a while after you left. MK.
Then people ( or me at least) move to Phase 2: Nothing serious, lots of faces coming and going. Feeling hopeless to find the "perfect" lover, again. Going through disappointment after disappointment. In the same time I started finding my self, exploring and focusing on myself, my wants, wills and dreams. You can see a progress of other categories and relationships (friendships, family, career) but yeah something is missing, even when everything is rolling as you please. You wanna share the joy, the love you hold inside you with someone, not anyone. Someone special.
And of course when you search for it you fall in disappointment, when you don't expect it or you are not that bothered it doesn't even knock the door , it bursts inside your heart without a warning or questioning of what you ready for. And the fear starts, fear of getting hurt, fear of showing vulnerability to a stranger and letting yourself fall, fall in love again. Big decisions are about to be made, do you let them be and find out what happens with the risk of feeling pain again or do you run and live with your fears for however long?
Phase 3: Last love.
Eventually, no matter how many tries it takes, how many years, people and strength it takes...someone will come. Someone special. Someone which you can not just turn around and ignore. Someone who will fall harder than before, and you didn't even know that was even possible. That "someone" won't bring just happy moments, will bring you happiness for the rest of your life. And they will hold you. Hold you tight. Because they feel exactly how you feel. The fear of losing each other. And you know, you know without a doubt that is not all about you loving them, is about them loving you back. A relationship takes two. Love, takes two people who become one. One for life. One couple, one family, one love. WF.
And that the chapter which should of been in the beginning, explaining all the moments of the picture LOVE, my love. I feel so lucky, lucky I was able to find my first love...find out what is love, find people who fed me experiences and bullshits in the way which made me appreciate and feel so grateful to find my special someone,my love, true love again. For some, love is more complicated, for others maybe more simple. For me its a three step phase and everyone spends different amounts of time in each phase.
P.S. everything happens for a reason. Finally, I was able to see the reason and it definitely worth it.
