Love as a 3-step phase.

Hello again, my old sweet friend. 

I have been writing, I promise, but not publishing it in here anymore. I could easily say its because of lack of time, but I wont. Because I make time for other things now. Yes I do. The time, the care and love I was giving to you, expressing myself, getting self-help I spend otherwise now. But as I said, I still write...just not in here. 

Maybe because now I don't want you to know anymore how I feel, how am I, what I do... you wont have anything on the plate ready to eat and enjoy. I want you to show your care, take the time and ask, talk, approach me.  Actually give a shit, for once. 

But  today I feel like visiting you my old friend.

Today I wanted to open up to you. The titles I have given to a lot of articles, the words I have written, the feelings and experiences I have been through were moments, small or big moments of a bigger picture. Or pictures, of my life. 

Lets take the picture of LOVE. 

A lot of my writings fall in that category. Lets break it down. Step by step. From the beginning till now. Who knows the end.

I view love as a three step phase. 

Phase 1: First love.  

Oh yeah. We all remember that one. That one love which actually hurts even if the years have passed. It hurts and it never hundred percent heals, that one person who we fell for with our soul, was bigger than we could handle. I was too small for me to manage, strong too. But sometimes I say to myself if it was that strong why did it break? And I give a thousand excuses to make my self feel better. I blame a lot time, timing; what an important factor for a big passionate love. I  always say "it was wrong timing, we were young". But apparently not young enough to fall for each other. Often I got a lot of questions and I fill them with excuses. Honestly; I don't know what happened, but something broke us. "Shit happen".  All I know, is that I did love you. So much that it made me very weak handle my life for a while after you left. MK.

Then people ( or me at least) move to Phase 2: Nothing serious, lots of faces coming and going. Feeling hopeless to find the "perfect" lover, again. Going through disappointment after disappointment. In the same time I started finding my self, exploring and focusing on myself, my wants, wills and dreams. You can see a progress of other categories and relationships (friendships, family, career) but yeah something is missing, even when everything is rolling as you please. You wanna share the joy, the love you hold inside you with someone, not anyone. Someone special.

And of course when you search for it you fall in disappointment, when you don't expect it or you are not that bothered it doesn't even knock the door , it bursts inside your heart without a warning or questioning of what you ready for. And the fear starts, fear of  getting hurt, fear of showing vulnerability to a stranger and letting yourself fall, fall in love again. Big decisions are about to be made, do you let them be and find out what happens with the risk of feeling pain again or do you run and live with your fears for however long? 

 Phase 3: Last love. 

Eventually, no matter how many tries it takes, how many years, people and strength it takes...someone will come. Someone special. Someone which you can not just turn around and ignore. Someone who will fall harder than before, and you didn't even know that was even possible. That "someone"  won't bring just happy moments, will bring you happiness for the rest of your life. And they will hold you. Hold you tight. Because they feel exactly how you feel. The fear of losing each other. And you know, you know without a doubt that is not all about you loving them, is about them loving you back. A relationship takes two. Love, takes two people who become one. One for life. One couple, one family, one love. WF.

And that the chapter which should of been in the beginning, explaining all the moments of the picture LOVE, my love. I feel so lucky, lucky I was able to find my first love...find out what is love, find people who fed me experiences and bullshits in the way which made me appreciate and feel so grateful to find my special someone,my love, true love again. For some, love is more complicated, for others maybe more simple. For me its a three step phase and everyone spends different amounts of time in each phase. 

 P.S. everything happens for a reason. Finally, I was able to see the reason and it definitely worth it. 

Observer

A father with his little baby daughter are sitting opposite me in this little local cafe. I am in a long wait for a visa to pick up with my battery on my phone being on 0%. The only things I have in my bag except my dead phone and wallet is a notebook and a pen, well time to observe I thought. Haven't written in a long time and the environment was inspiring.

He starts reading his little girl a story, gives her some milk and doing all the caring as a good dad. Next to him there is an older man sitting on his own and watches him and his daughter, he smiles observing how happy the girl is. Started wondering if he has children himself and this moment takes him back to old memories or if he always wanted children and it did not happen, or he maybe never wanted but maybe he regrets it. Who knows, right? That smile could mean a lot, but one thing I was sure about was that he enjoyed watching this parent and child enjoying their time. He stopped after few minutes, took a sip of his coffee, a bite of his cake and started reading his own book. However, every time someone walked in the coffee shop, he was watching. He was always stopping reading and observed the surrounding. He thought he had the control and he knew all these little parts of people's lives being revealed in front of him. But, there was a person who he missed, he did not look at her once. And that person was the person writing about him, observing him from the opposite table.

Time has taken over. Busy life have taken over time. And If time is my life, busy life has taken over my life. Because now is not all about me only, is about someone or something else too. Working on it. Working on this busy life to achieve spending time with someone or for something which is in progress.
See, I do not have what I do without spending time on it. In the same time, there are consequences, like not having time to express, think or write what is happening, because everything is happening fast. Very fast. Time goes fast. Do not have the space which I had to waste time. Because now is not only about me. Maybe it was never just about me but I didn't know any different. But now I know. I know life is not just only about me.

Date

It’s 6:00 p.m.

Time to put on one of my favourite dresses with a pair of sea-through tights. Start making my hair curly whilst listening to music, putting a pair of heels, a dark red lipstick and my big fluffy caught. Take my bag and the house keys and I am ready to go.
Willing to look sophisticated without trying too hard.
The key is to be and look confident with myself.

Walking in I see my date, he was looking at the door when I arrived. He wanted me to be there, he was waiting for me. I smile and approach him at the table. He stands up and gives me a cuddle with a brief kiss on the chick. We sit down and he pours some red wine in my glass. We talk, laugh, having some fun…  He holds my hand.  He makes me feel prettier than any dress.

He walked me back home. When was time to leave I couldn’t let him go. 

Stay. Stay tonight; I said every morning sun light.
I am living a date every single day.

It’s 6:00 p.m.

TRUTH

Recently, I started reading a book which I heard in the past it is quiet good and made people change their lives by making them stop smoking. I was curious to find out what that book was saying which was so powerful to make people actually decide to stop as most of us if not of all us know the risks and health problems which smoking can make.

Let me first tell you that I believe that books just make people and life better, is like a psychological power which open people's brains. Reading the book "Easy way to stop smoking by Allen Carr" was one of the best ideas I had in a while. If you are a smoker or a non-smoker who have friends and family smokers please read this book and find out the truth. Yes, this is what I said, THE TRUTH!

 The best thing if there is online in a PDF version,so here you go, no excuse for no money or time to buy it!

Start reading now and feel alive.

HE

Midnight in a big city. All the lights are turned on and I am looking at the beautiful view.  He is sitting on his big black comfortable chair holding his favorite glass half filled up with alcohol. He has a cigarette on his mount and he is dressed quite formal. Whilst he is staring at me he takes off his navy tie, takes his cigarette out of his mouth and leaves it on the ashtray burning out. He stands up and takes one step towards me and he stops. I am not sure what is happening, so I decide to break the silence with a question,"what is..." and without letting me finish the sentence he whispers "shh" and comes closer to me. He was so concentrate looking at me which it almost made me feel awkward. After few minutes he raised his hand on my head and smoothly stroked my hair down to my cheeks. His hand felt soft. I automatically hugged him tight without a second thought, it was the warmest hug I ever given or received from someone who I hardly knew. But my heart knew and that was enough. It just felt right.  He was there, with me. And I was there, for him. 

Afraid

-What are you afraid of? 

-(Big deep breath)
Afraid of getting used to you.
Afraid of getting one with you.
Afraid of losing you.
Afraid of living with you.
Afraid of getting a scar from you.
Afraid of you.
(Turning on a cigarette )

-Life full of fear, is waste of life. 

-Life full of reality, is real life. 
Are you not afraid of something?
 Of course you are. 
You are just too weak to admit. 
Too weak or too afraid. 
I am strong enough to deal it, admit it. 
Person who can not face his fears,  is afraid that the fear is gonna win.
Which is scary. 

-We are not here for me, but for you.

-(Turning off the cigarette)
I am afraid of heights, but I am more afraid of never flying. 

Δεν υπάρχει χρόνος.

-Κοίτα με.

-'Άλλη στιγμή.

-Μια αγκαλιά και ένα φιλί?

-Πολλά για αυτήν την στιγμή.

-Λίγο χρόνο ζητάω.

-Δεν υπάρχει χρόνος, πάω.

-Θα σε δω το αργότερα?

-Ίσως. Έχω  πολλά να κάνω.

-Αα γύρισες! 

-Όχι για πολύ.

-Μια αγκαλιά?

-Είμαι κουρασμένος για πολλά. 

-Καληνύχτα. 

-...

-Καλημέρα. Τα λέμε αργότερα.

-Εντάξει. 

-Ήρθα!

-Εντάξει. 

-Φεύγω!

-Εντάξει.

-Τι τρέχει?

-Δεν τρέχει. 

Τίποτα. Απολύτως τίποτα πια, όλα σταμάτησαν.

-Μια αγκαλιά?

-Συνήθισα χωρίς αυτήν.

-Ένα φιλί να δια γραφτούν όλα?

-Διαγράφτηκαν πολύ καιρό πριν. 

-Δώσε μας λίγο χρόνο.

-Δεν υπάρχει χρόνος, είπες. 

Posh

A little machine which makes my life harder every second with its paper coming out with more orders and orders. However, the worst part are the unexpected waitress coming back with the plate of food which I just send to a table telling me "the costumer is complaining its cold,uncooked,overcooked, too hot"and many other words which just came on their mind just looking at it, not even tried or half eaten and decided to get some more free food. I touch the food to check if it is actually "cold" before I waste it in our "waste bin" and it is burning me fingers. It does not happen often but it happens, sometimes in a rush I do mistakes and I am happy to correct them saying to the waitress myself to apologize. BUT, 95% of the times it is not anything wrong with the food and people are being rude. It's not the purpose which annoys me the most which they are doing it for, it is a bit but not as much as the idea to make someone remake something for them again when they are working anyway under stress. Think about the people, not only about your personal satisfaction! Richmond is a "posh" area, meaning that people are more stupid! They have to complain to show off their standards on food and quality of life, which makes me laugh when they come in a place which is something between a mac Donald's and restaurant, and no, its not a proper restaurant IS SELF SERVICE, which many people struggle to understand what does that mean as I have understood. 

Σαν την πρώτη μας φορά.

Μετά απο ένα χρόνο,δύο μήνες και τέσσερης μέρες. Στις 20.03.

-Θες να βγούμε ραντεβού;
Ραντεβού αγάπη μου, σαν την πρώτη μας φορά.

Ένιωσα το στομάχι μου να σφίγκει ξανά. Ένιωσα το ίδιο όπως την πρώτη φορά που με ρώτησες. Χαμογέλασα και τον κοίταξα με ενθουσιασμό. Σηκώθηκα και άνοιξα την ντουλάπα μου, άλλαξα τρία φορέματα μέχρι να αποφασίσω τι να φορέσω. Όπως στο πρώτο ραντεβού, νοιάστικα, ξανά. Βάφτικα, έβαλα ψηλά παππούτσια και έτοιμη.

-Πως είμαι;
-Όμορφη, πολύ όμορφη.
-Σίγουρα;
-...
(πληκτρολογούσε στον υπολογηστή)

Ξαφνικά μου τραγουδούσε " you are beautiful, you are beautiful, you are beautiful it's true"
Γέλασα κουνόντας αριστερά και δεξιά το κεφάλι μου.
Μου έκανε νόημα με τα χέρια του να τον πλησιάσω όπως είχε ξαπλώσει στο κρεβάτι. Ξάπλωσα δίπλα του και μου έδωσε την πιο γλυκιά ματιά.

-Πάμε; είπα να σπάσω την σιωπή.
-Ναι.

Πήραμε το λεωφορείο στο κέντρο και πήγαμε στο εστιατόρειο που είμασταν την πρωτοχρονιά. Παραγγείλαμε, και μιλήσαμε για την μέρα που μόλις περάσαμε. Δουλειά-δουλειά. Αποφασήσαμε να μην μιλήσουμε για δουλειά το υπόλοιπο βράδυ.

-Πες μου κάτι που δεν ξέρω. Είπε.
Και συζητήσεις άνοιξαν, ήταν δύσκολο να βρω κάτι που δεν ξέρει.

-Τι νιώθεις για μένα; ήταν η επόμενη ερώτηση.
-Ε..ε ξέρεις.

Είναι πιο δύσκολο απο όσο νόμιζα να απαντήσω αυτή την ερώτηση.

-Εσύ; είπα.
-Δεν θέλω να σε χάσω, και ξέρεις ότι σε νοιάζομαι όσο τίποτα άλλο.
Αλλά εκτός από όλα αυτά, υπάρχει κάτι που δεν μπορώ να εξηγήσω με λέξεις. Είναι κάτι που δεν έχω ξανά νιώσει, είναι περίεργο αλλά όμορφο.

Τον κοιτούσα να μιλάει με αυτόν τον τρόπο για μένα και ένιωθα να τον ερωτεύομαι περισσότερο κάθε λεπτό που περνούσε.  Τον κοιτούσα και τον χαίδευα σαν την πρώτη φορά, τα μπλε μάτια του, τα απαλά μαλλιά του, τα χείλι του, το άρωμα του, το σώμα του, την αγκαλιά του.

Αγκαλιαστίκαμε, φιληθίκαμε. Σαν την πρώτη μας φορά.

Mornings

Seven in the morning the alarm rings. Snoozing it and turning on the other side of the bed I believe is sorted. Seven and ten the alarm rings again and this time I switch it off. Lying on the bed I am usually thinking what I have to do today. Oh yeah, tones of things. Get up, have a sip of tea and getting dressed in the same time. Trying to find my keys as I am putting on my shoes. Checking what time is the next bus online and preparing my bag. 213 bus to Kingston is in two minutes,whispering "shit!" and running to the bus stop. Sometimes I get in and try to catch my breath, other times I get there looking the bus leaving and I get one big breath to try to stay calm. Till the next one comes I would probably been texting on my phone and smiling like a silly person on the phone screen. oh well. Next bus here, getting in and trying to find a comfortable sit (if there is any space), falling asleep on my way to work or university or at trains going to Crystal Palace where children are waiting for me. I am not an early person! The worst thing is waiting for the train which has been delayed or for the bus which did not stop because was full during the winter, every time when happens I am just counting the minutes which I could stay in bed longer being warm. This is why I do not like mornings. But there is something special in the mornings except traffic and cold. That first sun shine which makes me smile and think that life yes is hard but is so beautiful. That's my energy I guess. The energy which I take to continue my day, my week, my life. People say I do too much stuff, and is true I do. I am in the current stage at the moment counting the minutes of free time and this is the reason which I do not get the chance to write in this beautiful blog more often. No, no more complains. :)

picture

Μη με ρωτήσεις.

Μη με ρωτήσεις. Μη με ρωτήσεις αν ένιωσα κάτι εκείνη την στιγμή,την στιγμή που τα βλέμματα μας ενώθηκαν. Ξανά,για λίγο. Το ξέρεις. Καλύτερα και από μένα.

Πολύς κόσμος, μα για μας μονάχα εμείς. Τα μάτια μας νοσταλγούσαν ο ένας τον άλλον. Η καρδιά χτυπούσε δυνατά,και τα χέρια μας τρέμαν επειδή τα αναγκάζαμε να μείνουνε μακριά. Έτρεξα. Έτρεξα στην πρώτη αφορμή, στην πρώτη πόρτα ανοιχτή. Αναστατώθηκα. Μη με ρωτήσεις. Μη με ρωτήσεις γιατί. Ξέρεις. Εσύ ξέρεις, νιώθεις. Νιώθεις τον παλμό,την ανάσα. Την χαρά, την λύπη. Ξέρεις. 

Κοίτα με στα μάτια,..άγγιξε με όσες φορές θες αλλά μη, μη με ρωτήσεις. Σιωπή.
To βιβλίο με τον τίτλο 'το λάθος στα αστέρια μας' σου χάρισα. Για να σου δείξω ότι υπήρχε λάθος.
Να σου δείξω πως τα αστέρια πέφτουν με τον χρόνο. Αγάπη μου.

Something among poems

I say heavy words, I regret of those.
My mouth may say a lot,
but my body represent my soul.h
And I cry, because I can feel,
that the pain without you exist.
Like a pathway sex works,
and your steps to my heart came so close.
Is mysterious and is hard,
but (baby) I love you, what you do not understand?

Love.

I do not say much about you. I do not show you much. 
Thats not because I do not feel much.Thats not because I do not think about you.
Thats because I am afraid.
I am afraid that if I talk, it will sounds bad. I am afraid which words to pick up. I am thinking usually which is the perfect one. And in the end is none. None of the words can say what I mean.
I am afraid that if I do something, you will not like it. You may find it too much, I may scare you.
I am afraid, because I know.
 I know I am falling in love. It scares me sometimes.
And as I know, love can be the most beautiful feeling on the world, and in the same time the most painful feeling on the world. People say that "even if there are million reasons to leave, you would still look for the one reason to stay" Stop wondering why, love is the answer. 
Sometimes I may act weird, sometimes I will be angry, sometimes I will shout, cry and say things that I would not mean. But I am still here. Here because most of the times I smile, I am exciting,  I give and take back love. And it's beatiful. Our love, is beautiful little one. I would never change it for anything, I would never change you. I am not perfect and you are not too. We accepted it and we try our best. We are happy together, this is why our 'problems' look so small. We know. We know everything will be fine because we have each other. I know you will be here to listen me anytime, I know you will help me as much as you can for everything, and the same me for you. And thats love. We do not see it sometimes but is here, between us, every single day. Thank you, thank you for being around me and loving me.

Μήπως.

Μήπως να μείνω;
'Η μήπως να φύγω;
Είναι αγάπη;
Ή μήπως απάτη;
Κάστρο.
Με πρίγκιπα ή δράκο;
Φοβάμαι μα ρισκάρω.
Διστάζω μα προχωράω.
Με ρώτησαν γιατί.
Αγάπη είναι η απάντηση.
Η αγάπη είναι πιο δυνατή.

Εσύ

Μερικές φορές είναι υπερβολικό.
Μερικές φορές δεν είναι αρκετό.
Υπερβολή που σε πνίγει, θες να φύγεις.
Δεν μπορείς να το ζητήσεις.
Ούτε να το συζητήσεις.

Μα υπάρχει και το αγνωείς.
Είναι μέθη που παράληλα θαρείς.
Δίκαιος και εγωιστής.
Εσύ.
Αγάπη και εραστής.

Δεν θα παραπονεθείς.
Ούτε θα παραπλανηθείς.
θα είσαι ηλικρινείς.
Δεν θα το αρνηθείς.

Θα είσαι πάντα εδώ.
Θα μου κάνεις τον καλό.
μα αν αλλάξω έλεγες,
 "θα σε αποχαιρετώ". 

silence

 

 Silence.
Silence has a meaning, you said.
You said with the power of your eyes. 
Are you?
Are you coming close to me?
Or you just go through like a butterfly on the tree?
Searching for flowers in the spring.
Baby, is it spring or you bring it?
"Don't wait, make it happen" they say.
Silence again. 
Silence because you do not know the answer they say.
Silence because you know more than everyone I say.
You know. You feel it.
Silence is the most powerful scream.
You touched me without actually touching me. 

Shush!

Come closer.
No with your feet.
With your way, baby.
Having a smoke in that window.
Remember?
You do.
We did not talk, but we said a lot.
You get it.
Everything was okay.
And if it wasn't, it will be okay.
Your smile confirmed it.

Συνάντηση.

Παράθυρο μικρό,θολό.

Ανοίγει η πύλη.

Περιπλανήσεις με αναμνήσεις. 

Κουβέντες βαριές,άβολες.

Πιέζω τον εαυτό μου μα δεν βγαίνει λέξη.

Ματιές. Ματιές κοφτές,βαθιές.

Οι πράξεις πιο έντονες.

Έχω στο μυαλό μου πολλά που θέλω να πω..

Να ΣΟΥ πω.

Δύσκολο να εκφραστώ.

Από την συνάντηση τι μπορώ να έχω..

Τι θα ήθελα να έχω..

-Μια αγκαλιά; είπα αυθόρμητα και τολμηρά.

Βλέμμα αρνητικό, απογοητευτικό.

Βιαστικός και απόμακρος.

Μια αφορμή μόνο έφτανε για να χωθώ. 

Φόβος πως δεν θα σε ξανά δω..

Φόβος  να ρωτήσω για κάτι περισσότερο.

Απλά κάτι..

Κάτι να έχω για την υπόλοιπη νύχτα.

Ήταν αρκετό. 

Αρκετό,να σε αγγίξω για ένα λεπτό.

Σύντομο λεπτό.

Μην φεύγεις ούρλιαζε η ψυχή μου.

Γεια σου ψιθύριζε η φωνή μου.

Νωρίς για μεγάλα λόγια.

Σε φοβίζουν τα μεγάλα λόγια είχες πει. Λόγια που λέγονται 'νωρίς'. Λόγια που ξεθωριάζουν με τον χρόνο. Μα,τι και αν μετάνιωσα για λόγια που δεν πρόλαβα να πω; Για λόγια που θα έκαναν κάποιον έστω για ένα λεπτό να χαμογελάσει, ή έστω να καταλάβει; Φοβάμαι μη φοβηθείς.
Όμως είσαι πάντα εκεί, σε κάθε στάση να με περιμένεις ως το πρωί, σε κάθε μέρα η νύχτα με βροχή, σε κάθε ανούσια,δύσκολη η όμορφη στιγμή. Και αν είναι νωρίς για λόγια,γιατί δεν είναι νωρίς για πράξεις; Γιατί γνωρίζεις ότι με αυτές τις λίγες πράξεις κάνεις κάποιον να νιώσει όμορφα. Γιατί γνωρίζεις πως να με κάνεις να χαμογελάω για περισσότερο από ένα λεπτό. Και συνεχίζεις..
Μα αν σχολιάσω,αν βγάλω φωνή είναι 'νωρίς'. Πότε είναι νωρίς και πότε αργά τελικά; Νομίζω εμείς το ορίζουμε κάθε φορά.
Μερικές φορές έχω την αίσθηση ότι με σταματάς για να μην χαλάσει η μαγεία. Οι λέξεις σκοτώνουν την μαγεία, είναι απειλή, μα και ομορφιά ταυτόχρονα όταν ξεστομίσεις από μέσα σου πεταλούδες. Πεταλούδες που πετάνε μέσα σου και σε παίρνουν μαζί τους. Και πετάς,πετάς τριγύρω..στον εσωτερικό του κόσμο . Αναζητάς να μείνεις όσο πιο πολύ γίνεται,είναι όμορφα εκεί.

Τα βλέπεις εκείνα τα περιστέρια;
Μας κοιτάνε περίεργα.
Αναρωτιούνται τι είναι το ανθρώπινο είδος.
Είσαι άνθρωπος μα δεν μπορείς ούτε εσύ να δώσεις απάντηση.
Τι είμαστε τελικά, ένας σκελετός η μια ψυχή αγγέλου;
Ή μήπως και τα δύο;
Ή μήπως τίποτα από τα δύο.
Σιωπάς.

Είναι όμορφα απόψε.
Είναι πιο σκοτεινά από ποτέ.
Έχει κρύο.
Μα είναι όμορφα απόψε.
Θα με κοιτάς από μακριά.
Δεν θα με πάρεις αγκαλιά.
Μα είναι όμορφα απόψε.
Θα είσαι εδώ.
Δηλαδή εκεί.
Αλλά κάπου κοντά.